'Give to Give' vs 'Give to Gain'

Let me start with a distinction that I think matters more than we admit.

There is "give to give." And there is "give to gain." They sound similar. They are not.

"Give to give" is what most of us were raised to do. Work hard, support the people around you, be generous with your time and expertise, and trust that the right people will notice. It is a beautiful instinct. It is also, without intention behind it, one of the quietest ways talented women hold themselves back.

"Give to gain" is different. It does not mean giving less. It means giving with clarity - knowing what you bring, and being willing to say so. It is the understanding that reciprocity is not greed. It is the foundation of any relationship worth having.

Here is why the distinction matters.

A Cornell University study found that women consistently underrate their own competence, while men do the opposite - they overestimate their abilities relative to their actual performance. This gap does not close until women reach their early forties, when accumulated experience finally catches up with self-perception. Harvard Business Review research tracking nearly 9,000 leaders confirmed the same pattern: female leaders rate themselves as less confident than their male peers right through to their mid-forties, despite being equally or more capable. And when it comes to taking that confidence into action, HBR found that men apply for roles when they meet 60 percent of the qualifications. Women wait until they hit 100.

That is not a talent gap. It is a permission gap.

There is a parallel in elite sport that I find genuinely fascinating. Researchers have documented something called the Relative Age Effect across dozens of sports and hundreds of thousands of athletes. The finding is consistent: athletes who are slightly older than their peers within a school year cohort are significantly overrepresented at elite level. Not because they are more gifted, but because their small early physical advantage gave them early wins. Those wins built confidence. The physical advantage disappeared as everyone matured. The confidence compounded and carried them forward long after the original edge was gone.

The mechanism is simple. Early success creates confidence. Confidence drives action. Action creates more success.

For many women, that loop starts later - because we are socialised to wait until we are certain before we claim anything. To prove ourselves fully before we ask. To say "we did this" in the moments when saying "I did this" would have changed how the room saw us.

"Give to gain" is the decision to start that loop earlier - on purpose.

It does not require you to become someone different. It requires you to take your own contributions as seriously as you take everyone else's. To give generously - your time, your ideas, your network, your experience - and in the same moment, to be clear about what you need in return. A seat at the table. Credit where it is due. A real partnership. The promotion you have been ready for longer than you have said out loud.

I have built Pulse Advertising from two people to 125 across 11 offices, working with brands including Apple, Nestlé and BlackRock. The most important shift in that journey was not a new strategy or a bigger client. It was learning that asking for what I had earned was not a risk to the relationships I had built. It was the most honest version of them.

And here is what I have seen happen when women make that shift. They do not just change their own trajectory. They change the room. They give everyone watching permission to do the same. That is not a small thing. According to the Geena Davis Institute, male characters still speak 60 to 70 percent of the time in children's programming. Visibility shapes ambition. When women take up space and model reciprocity openly, they build the pipeline that no diversity policy alone ever will.

So keep giving. Give with everything you have - that instinct is a genuine strength. But the next time you do, ask yourself what "gain" looks like. Not later, when the moment feels safer. Now, while the value is visible and the room is yours.

Nobody is coming to hand you your moment. But that is the good news. It means it was always yours to take.