How messaging styles & preferences impact modern relationships

Messaging preferences, from texting to voice notes and phone calls, can influence personal relationships and shape perceptions, according to recent expert guidance.

Becextech collaborated with psychologist Andrew Boxer to examine how differing communication styles impact online connections and provided advice on avoiding common pitfalls such as being ignored or misconstrued.

Understanding messaging styles

Boxer outlined that messaging habits are closely linked to both personality traits and emotional needs, rather than being merely a matter of convenience or habit.

Communication styles can reflect not just a personality but also emotional needs. Attachment style also plays a role, as people with anxious attachment may lean towards calls for immediacy, while avoidant types might prefer the distance and control of text. Secure communicators tend to be more flexible and adapt their style based on the context and relationship.

He explained the tendencies of three main categories: texters, voice note senders, and callers.

On texting, Boxer described:

Texting tends to be preferred by people who like control and structure in their communication, and often introverts, or those who prefer a more formal or measured tone. It can also reflect emotional distance or a need to process thoughts before responding. Introverts or people with social anxiety may often gravitate towards texting as it allows more space, less stimulation, and reduces social load. Whereas immediate forms of communication, like phone calls, can seem more overwhelming and confronting.

Voice note senders, Boxer noted, typically pursue emotional nuance and warmth, aiming for more natural expression while avoiding the pressure of real-time interaction:

Voice messages are popular with people who want warmth and emotional nuance, but without the pressure of real-time conversation. They allow people to express themselves more naturally than text messages. It's a middle ground – emotionally rich, but still asynchronous and convenient.

Callers, meanwhile, often seek immediate connection, quick resolution, or real-time reassurance. Phone calls are preferred by certain personality types and generations:

Phone calls are usually preferred by people who want an immediate connection or quick resolution. They're often favoured by extroverts, older generations, or possibly those with an anxious attachment style who seek real-time reassurance.

Voice notes: convenience or demand?

Increased screen time and accessibility can lead to feeling simultaneously connected and isolated, according to Boxer. Voice notes, while expressive, can also present new challenges.

Increased screen time means we have more access to our friends and families, but some people also feel less connected than ever. Voice notes allow people to express themselves more naturally, and emotions come through in a way that text often can't. People use them to feel closer, to hear someone's voice, or to stay connected more humanely. But, they also shift some of the efforts to the receiver. Listening takes longer than skimming a message, and that changes what's considered 'normal' in how we communicate. Voice notes can build connection, but they also reflect a new dynamic – quick and easy for the sender but slower and more demanding for the person on the other end.

Matching tone and expectations

Boxer emphasised the importance of mirroring others' communication styles to avoid confusion or frustration. While the median voice note length is about 17.5 seconds, notes above one minute may cause recipients to disengage.

The median length for a voice note is about 17.5 seconds. Once you go over the 60 to 90 seconds, you risk losing their attention. If you're not sure about their style or preference, ask. Something as simple as 'hey, do you prefer phone calls or texts?' can go a long way and avoid miscommunications. If you have a preference yourself, communicate this kindly; most people will appreciate the honesty.

He added the need to be understanding towards delayed replies or variations in tone, as these might reflect situational challenges rather than disinterest.

Their preference might reflect their current situations emotionally or physically. Approach it with compassion and consider why they respond in the way they do – perhaps they're anxious, busy, or just doing the best they can. Misreading someone's communication style can easily cause tension, especially when we make assumptions about intent. If a partner prefers texts over calls, that may be seen as distant or disengagement, when really it could be about anxiety, what they're doing at the time, or how they may process things best.

Recognising shifts and maintaining connection

The psychologist advised paying attention to changes in message patterns, such as shorter replies or less frequent emojis, which may indicate discomfort, distraction, or withdrawal.

If someone who usually writes in full sentences with emojis suddenly goes cold or replies with one-word answers, that shift may signal they're upset, distracted, or withdrawing. Delays in response, formal language, abrupt punctuations like full stops, or a change in rhythm or engagement level, are also cues to look out for. A message like 'ok.' from someone who normally says several words can feel different, and that's often because it is.

However, Boxer advised context is key, and a slow reply does not always signal negativity:

A slow reply might mean they're overwhelmed, not annoyed. Instead of jumping to conclusions, it's better to gently check in.

Practical solutions for better communication

For those who often reply slowly, he recommended proactive strategies to manage expectations and keep connections open.

Start by setting clear expectations, a quick message like, 'I'm not great at replying straight away but I'll get back to you soon,' can help manage how your silence is interpreted. If it needs more time or thought, a message like, 'I've seen this and I'll respond properly when I can' keeps the connection warm without the pressure to respond in full right away. Most people are fine with a delay, but they just don't want to feel ignored. It's also healthy not to be on your phone 24/7. If you know you're a slower replier or often miss messages, try doing a weekly message sweep. Take a few minutes to scroll back and check if there's anyone you meant to get back to but didn't. It's a small habit that helps you stay thoughtful and connected, even if real-time replies aren't your thing.